Meet Erie Testimonial

      I once watched a man walk into a rehab for an intake assessment wearing only one shoe. The counselor also made this observation and with a mixture of curiosity and amusement asked, "What's wrong brother, lost a shoe?" He smiled at him and declared, "Nope, I found one!" And with that, I was taught a little something about perspective.

      Last Thursday I was involved in an outreach event with Erie Young Adults. I took on some of the responsibility of organizing the event. It was a simple event. We just wanted to show a little love for our community and spread the message of hope in the process. So me and some other more accurately described young adults set up a table downtown and served coffee, cookies, bottled water, and smiles.

      The first reason I knew God was present throughout the week of the event was because I often struggle with high levels of anxiety. But I had absolutely no anxiety in the planning or putting on of this event. It had to be God because usually I would have been worried about all the little details. "Will people show up? Will we have enough supplies? Will we have enough help?" Instead, I had confidence through out all of it, I somehow just knew it would work. I just wanted us to point to the glory of God in the hopes that someone might see it. Even if it was just one person. We definitely accomplished the goal.

      We served and spoke with dozens of people throughout the experience, but the one person that stuck out to me was a young man. I recognized him as someone I've seen around that area for quite awhile. He is homeless. When we mentioned God he said, "Oh I believe in God, me and Him just have some issues to work out." At that moment my heart did back flips because I knew he was the reason I was out there that day! I explained to him that I was a chronic alcoholic who has been homeless off and on for the last ten years because of it, and that I fully understand what he means by what he said, and I don't judge him at all. If anything, I relate.

     This is where my area of expertise comes in. I struggled deeply with the concept of God. I've mulled over every who, what, where, and why question there is with Him. Mercifully, (because I definitely didn't deserve it), God brought me back to Him and restored my faith in Jesus. He also restored my sobriety. The young man allowed us to pray with him and I continue to pray that God will do the same thing for him that he did for me. He has my number and if he ever uses it I'd be ecstatic. I'd drop everything and rush to see him. So much so it'd probably freak him out!

               The problem is that it is just so hard to see and feel hope when your on the streets. I heard Adam Frano from EYA say it best: we need to get to a place where we trust God's character more than we trust His plan. I feel it is so important to just go and talk with people who are struggling. Let them know they still have a voice, they still matter, they're still relevant, still loved. I was fortunate enough to have someone like that the last time I was out there (forever thanks), and I'd like to do that for someone else. Meet Erie wasn't huge, but to me it was a huge success! Were not here to point the finger at you, were here to point the finger towards God!



 

 

Pete In Training

     Irrational thought of the day: It's not that I don't like drinking, I love it. If I wasn't an alcoholic, I'd drink everyday!

    By the time I was 30 I'd had two doctors, one of them an addiction specialist, tell me that I was in the late stages of alcoholism. "So this is kinda serious?" (My response.) I've spent a large portion of my adult life battling this, so I don't know much about the real world. What I do know, (how to barely survive on the streets), doesn't apply. So how do I get along in civilized society? I do what I've always done. I wing it. Some days it works surprisingly well. Some days I fail miserably. All I know for sure is that I've been training my whole life to be the man God is turning me into today!

     You can't go to school for the things I know. I don't think you'd want to. Sure you can do extensive research on addiction. You can learn about genetic predispositions. You can read up on the adverse reactions an alcoholic's body has to the process of digesting alcohol causing the alcoholic to experience overwhelming urges to have more! -What is the phenomenon of craving! But that's not going to tell you what it feels like to wake up in a jail cell with no idea why you're there (public intoxication), or a hospital with no idea why you're there (overdose), or a park bench with no idea why you're there (Jose Cuervo). I use that description because waking up somewhere with no recollection is one of the more horrifying experiences I've had as an alcoholic.

     Stay with me now because it's not all blackouts and stories about the addiction bogey man! There's a bright side. The side I should be focusing on. With my new life in Jesus, God can use every single bit of my story for His good.

Hebrews 7:25 Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. NIV I particularly like the words "save completely." That covers any questions I might've had. "But what about..... save completely!"

    I have what I'll call a plethora of training experiences in the hardships of addiction. What it does to the spirit, body, and mind. What it does to families and friends. What it takes to not give up, and what it takes to save you if you do (a miracle).

     I used to view my alcoholism as my downfall. The one thing that would always disqualify me from having a decent life, but through God it can be a redeeming quality in me. Never do I feel a stronger sense of purpose then when I'm working with another alcoholic. It is my specialty. How might you use your own heart ache to help someone who's hurting? We've all been through something. Who is your life training you to be? Call on God to find out what it is. He's giving beauty for ashes!

Hebrews 13:20-21 Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. NIV





 

There Is No "I" In Denial

Doctor: Have you experienced blackouts because of your drinking?
Alcoholic: I don't remember.

The most important component of my independence from alcohol and drugs is my continual acknowledgement of my total dependence on God. Admitting I am an alcoholic was the easy part for me. The evidence was irrefutable. Where I slip up is admitting that I can't stay sober alone. For the longest time I had this illusion that once the alcohol was removed from my life, I was a completely "normal guy." I insisted that the only form of insanity I demonstrated was in regard to the drink. If this was true though, how is it that in the past I have been completely sober and walked into a liquor store, with full knowledge of how drinking affects me, and bought and consumed alcohol (got wasted). A "normal guy" wouldn't do something like that. A "normal guy" would think that's crazy. So it's conclusive: I aint right.

After a few devastating (but much needed) blows to my ego, I finally admit it. I need help. Lots and lots of it! I ask for it everyday, sometimes several times a day. As an alcoholic, the pride I have to swallow to ask for help isn't nearly as bad as what I'll go through if I relapse. I pray often. Sometimes my prayers are answered in discreet, quiet ways. Sometimes I don't even know or realize a prayer has been answered. But sometimes when a prayer of mine is answered, it's evident and tangible. So apparent that at that moment I can look to the sky and whisper, "Thank You."

So now I know that not only am I an alcoholic, but that the problem starts with me, not my drinking. My drinking is only a bi-product of the real issue: my thinking! So I need to be constantly running things by God, my support people, and my family. Thank you for reading!

Good News and Bad News

    A recovering alcoholic says to a newly sober alcoholic, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're going to get your feelings back. The bad news is you're going to get your feelings back!"

   This concept has never been as prevalent in my sobriety as it was over the Christmas holiday. The combination of excitement, activity, family, food, dogs (so many dogs), hellos and goodbyes, and laughs and cries had me, at times, quite overwhelmed. Why? Because I felt all of it! I was not used to being so keenly aware of such an array of sensory stimuli. There were moments when I was blessed with a serene joy for no reason at all, and other moments when I was plagued by a sharp irritability, again without provocation.  

 I held it together for the most part. However, I did suffer one casualty. My phone, as sad as it is to say, did not survive the Christmas holiday. Lets pay a quick tribute:

 RIP: Pete's Phone, aka: slow piece of crap. Now lets take a moment of silence, oh lets say about 20 minutes (the time it took that phone to do something).

 I have debated on sharing this privy information because I'm rather embarrassed about it, but yes in a moment when I was experiencing this extreme annoyance I mentioned, my phone failed to perform an essential function at a satisfactory speed (uploading facebook), so I punched it in the face, and the face broke! I know, I know, I was just as surprised as you. I'm going to assume there are two kinds of people reading this. Those of you that are thinking "what an idiot!" and those of you that are thinking, "I've done that!" This is for those of you that have done it too. No, you are not alone. Yes, we need help.

  So where does that leave me? Besides uncommunicative. Well I've wrestled with the idea that it's no big deal. Anyone can get mad. The phone just happened to get caught in the trajectory of that anger. But I've also beaten myself up about it and labeled it a sign of something worse. Surely with this kind of behavior a relapse is imminent! No self control! I might as well be a dry drunk! You know, that kinda healthy affirming self-talk.

   Someone suggested I look into an anger management class. That absolutely infuriated me.

      Okay feelings, you have my attention. You have returned and are in full effect! The only thing to do is enjoy and embrace the pleasant ones, and manage the not so pleasant ones. I need to take some preventative measures so that there is not a repeat performance. If I start feeling irritated call on someone in my support group, and remove myself from the reach of technology.

    This holiday really woke me up. It was so amazing to see my family and be a part of the activities, even if I failed to anticipate the avalanche of emotions it brought on, because it also showed me that I still have alot of things to consider. The important part is that I didn't drink. If you're an alcoholic in recovery and you mess up, aint nothin' that bad yet if you haven't picked up a drink! Then it's all bets off, but even then there's help available.

 James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. NIV

     

 

The Fifth That Didn't Steal Christmas This Year!

I have to write this post quickly in order to be as available as possible but I am also feeling incredibly inspired! I am just immensely grateful to be a fully active participant in the Christmas festivities this year! I could write a gratitude list a mile long but instead I'll just touch on the big ones. First I'm grateful that this Christmas I am not drunk, or in need of a drink. Second I am not currently involved in the department of corrections so I will not be eating any food issued by the state for Christmas this year! Third but most importantly I am home, not home-less, just home! I am with family and couldn't be happier! I owe all of this to God! If you are in recovery I hope you have an awesome sober holiday! If you are struggling talk to someone else in recovery. Holidays can also be very hard. If you are reading this through my FB link and need to talk message me. Trust me, I struggle too.

I'm Incredibly Humble

    I once was in a treatment center that issued me a special ribbon for most improved humility.  I went around bragging about it and they took it away.    

    I recently went with my grandma to select a Christmas tree. When I learned that finding the tallest, widest, most impressive tree on the lot was not the objective for this particular occasion I quickly lost interest. Who wanted just a tree? Certainly if I was to have my name attached to the selection of this tree, it had to have some spectacular feature to set it apart from the rest. So you can imagine my dismay when we left with what appeared to me to be just a normal tree. I had totally forgotten that I was only there to assist my grandma in the transportation of the tree she selected and I made it about myself. My sincere apologies. I do that. But why do I do that? With a lot of things. You should've seen my face when I realized I was never going to be the biggest guy at the gym! Or how about my reaction when I'm playing a competitive sport and someone tells me were not keeping score! So I've recently set in motion certain attitude adjustments. Instead of looking for ways to point to myself in every occasion I look for ways to point to God. I find myself much more fulfilled and experiencing more joy. I need to remember where I came from and realize that being just okay, for a guy like me, is a huge accomplishment! God is the one who is amazing and deserving of attention. Not me. I'm just a drunk who because of God has managed to somehow not have a drink in a few 24 hours.

James 4:6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." NIV

Matthew 23:12 For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. NIV

Also see Philippians 2:3-11

New Creation

      I had a cardboard sleep number and a big fluffy book bag for a pillow. My rendition of a sleeping bag was tucking my arms into my t-shirt. When the sun came up so did I. I'd slam a beer or two real fast if I had it in my pillow, fold up my strip of cardboard and tuck it away back in the bushes to make it appear as if no one had been there. Then I would get my bearings, just kidding there was no getting of any bearings on the street. What I would do though is stumble valiantly to either the convenient store or another variable to take advantage of the running water and panhandle for just long enough to get some beer and nicotine to start my day. I was always on guard, always aware of my surroundings, and always ready to go. That is unless I was real drunk which was a frequent occurrence, and that made me a target. I knew it, and they knew it. They being the other homeless people that robbed me while I was passed out. This was why I preferred having my own discreet location to hide and flop down drunk at if I could swing such a luxury. The accidental alcohol induced comas that left me face down in the middle of the park also left me with empty pockets, every time without fail.

      I was in a constant state of adaptation to my surroundings. My attitudes, my posture, my talk, everything about me was forever changing in accordance with who I needed to be at that moment to support my addiction. That was it, the bottom line. Whatever my addiction required me to do, I did it. No questions asked. It was automatic because there was just no way that I wasn't going to drink or get high. It wasn't an option. Sounds like I was pretty obedient to my addiction right? So now that I've been saved, redeemed, and rescued from the elements what does my obedience to God look like? What does my love for others look like? Where's my level of gratitude at? One of the reasons I write these blogs is I'm reminding myself of what I went through, and these are the censored versions. You should catch me by the water cooler some time.

       So I need to stay just as vigilant in my relationship with God. Attack my recovery with the same zeal. Failure is not an option! I need to feel the urgency to answer God's calling in my life. Just because I got sober doesn't mean the fight is over. I'm just on a different battlefield now. At least on the street I knew who the enemies were (everyone), and when danger was imminent (all the time). Now that I'm not physically addicted to or mentally obsessed with alcohol I have a whole new line up of bad guys. They come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes I may not even realize I'm being attacked. It's called everyday life. I'm not good at it because I don't have much practice. I need God.

     Be ready all the time to stand up for your new life! 2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" NIV I am a new creation and I need to build my life around God. No other foundation will work. Trust me I've tried to build off of just about everything else and it doesn't work. Not for a guy like me. I try to stay active in prayer, reading the bible, and service work. I couldn't afford to get lazy on the street. I can't afford to get lazy in my faith or recovery. Thessalonians 5:16-17 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." God must come before everything else because without God working in my life and delivering me from my addiction, I have nothing!