Good News and Bad News

    A recovering alcoholic says to a newly sober alcoholic, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're going to get your feelings back. The bad news is you're going to get your feelings back!"

   This concept has never been as prevalent in my sobriety as it was over the Christmas holiday. The combination of excitement, activity, family, food, dogs (so many dogs), hellos and goodbyes, and laughs and cries had me, at times, quite overwhelmed. Why? Because I felt all of it! I was not used to being so keenly aware of such an array of sensory stimuli. There were moments when I was blessed with a serene joy for no reason at all, and other moments when I was plagued by a sharp irritability, again without provocation.  

 I held it together for the most part. However, I did suffer one casualty. My phone, as sad as it is to say, did not survive the Christmas holiday. Lets pay a quick tribute:

 RIP: Pete's Phone, aka: slow piece of crap. Now lets take a moment of silence, oh lets say about 20 minutes (the time it took that phone to do something).

 I have debated on sharing this privy information because I'm rather embarrassed about it, but yes in a moment when I was experiencing this extreme annoyance I mentioned, my phone failed to perform an essential function at a satisfactory speed (uploading facebook), so I punched it in the face, and the face broke! I know, I know, I was just as surprised as you. I'm going to assume there are two kinds of people reading this. Those of you that are thinking "what an idiot!" and those of you that are thinking, "I've done that!" This is for those of you that have done it too. No, you are not alone. Yes, we need help.

  So where does that leave me? Besides uncommunicative. Well I've wrestled with the idea that it's no big deal. Anyone can get mad. The phone just happened to get caught in the trajectory of that anger. But I've also beaten myself up about it and labeled it a sign of something worse. Surely with this kind of behavior a relapse is imminent! No self control! I might as well be a dry drunk! You know, that kinda healthy affirming self-talk.

   Someone suggested I look into an anger management class. That absolutely infuriated me.

      Okay feelings, you have my attention. You have returned and are in full effect! The only thing to do is enjoy and embrace the pleasant ones, and manage the not so pleasant ones. I need to take some preventative measures so that there is not a repeat performance. If I start feeling irritated call on someone in my support group, and remove myself from the reach of technology.

    This holiday really woke me up. It was so amazing to see my family and be a part of the activities, even if I failed to anticipate the avalanche of emotions it brought on, because it also showed me that I still have alot of things to consider. The important part is that I didn't drink. If you're an alcoholic in recovery and you mess up, aint nothin' that bad yet if you haven't picked up a drink! Then it's all bets off, but even then there's help available.

 James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. NIV

     

 

The Fifth That Didn't Steal Christmas This Year!

I have to write this post quickly in order to be as available as possible but I am also feeling incredibly inspired! I am just immensely grateful to be a fully active participant in the Christmas festivities this year! I could write a gratitude list a mile long but instead I'll just touch on the big ones. First I'm grateful that this Christmas I am not drunk, or in need of a drink. Second I am not currently involved in the department of corrections so I will not be eating any food issued by the state for Christmas this year! Third but most importantly I am home, not home-less, just home! I am with family and couldn't be happier! I owe all of this to God! If you are in recovery I hope you have an awesome sober holiday! If you are struggling talk to someone else in recovery. Holidays can also be very hard. If you are reading this through my FB link and need to talk message me. Trust me, I struggle too.

I'm Incredibly Humble

    I once was in a treatment center that issued me a special ribbon for most improved humility.  I went around bragging about it and they took it away.    

    I recently went with my grandma to select a Christmas tree. When I learned that finding the tallest, widest, most impressive tree on the lot was not the objective for this particular occasion I quickly lost interest. Who wanted just a tree? Certainly if I was to have my name attached to the selection of this tree, it had to have some spectacular feature to set it apart from the rest. So you can imagine my dismay when we left with what appeared to me to be just a normal tree. I had totally forgotten that I was only there to assist my grandma in the transportation of the tree she selected and I made it about myself. My sincere apologies. I do that. But why do I do that? With a lot of things. You should've seen my face when I realized I was never going to be the biggest guy at the gym! Or how about my reaction when I'm playing a competitive sport and someone tells me were not keeping score! So I've recently set in motion certain attitude adjustments. Instead of looking for ways to point to myself in every occasion I look for ways to point to God. I find myself much more fulfilled and experiencing more joy. I need to remember where I came from and realize that being just okay, for a guy like me, is a huge accomplishment! God is the one who is amazing and deserving of attention. Not me. I'm just a drunk who because of God has managed to somehow not have a drink in a few 24 hours.

James 4:6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." NIV

Matthew 23:12 For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. NIV

Also see Philippians 2:3-11

New Creation

      I had a cardboard sleep number and a big fluffy book bag for a pillow. My rendition of a sleeping bag was tucking my arms into my t-shirt. When the sun came up so did I. I'd slam a beer or two real fast if I had it in my pillow, fold up my strip of cardboard and tuck it away back in the bushes to make it appear as if no one had been there. Then I would get my bearings, just kidding there was no getting of any bearings on the street. What I would do though is stumble valiantly to either the convenient store or another variable to take advantage of the running water and panhandle for just long enough to get some beer and nicotine to start my day. I was always on guard, always aware of my surroundings, and always ready to go. That is unless I was real drunk which was a frequent occurrence, and that made me a target. I knew it, and they knew it. They being the other homeless people that robbed me while I was passed out. This was why I preferred having my own discreet location to hide and flop down drunk at if I could swing such a luxury. The accidental alcohol induced comas that left me face down in the middle of the park also left me with empty pockets, every time without fail.

      I was in a constant state of adaptation to my surroundings. My attitudes, my posture, my talk, everything about me was forever changing in accordance with who I needed to be at that moment to support my addiction. That was it, the bottom line. Whatever my addiction required me to do, I did it. No questions asked. It was automatic because there was just no way that I wasn't going to drink or get high. It wasn't an option. Sounds like I was pretty obedient to my addiction right? So now that I've been saved, redeemed, and rescued from the elements what does my obedience to God look like? What does my love for others look like? Where's my level of gratitude at? One of the reasons I write these blogs is I'm reminding myself of what I went through, and these are the censored versions. You should catch me by the water cooler some time.

       So I need to stay just as vigilant in my relationship with God. Attack my recovery with the same zeal. Failure is not an option! I need to feel the urgency to answer God's calling in my life. Just because I got sober doesn't mean the fight is over. I'm just on a different battlefield now. At least on the street I knew who the enemies were (everyone), and when danger was imminent (all the time). Now that I'm not physically addicted to or mentally obsessed with alcohol I have a whole new line up of bad guys. They come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes I may not even realize I'm being attacked. It's called everyday life. I'm not good at it because I don't have much practice. I need God.

     Be ready all the time to stand up for your new life! 2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" NIV I am a new creation and I need to build my life around God. No other foundation will work. Trust me I've tried to build off of just about everything else and it doesn't work. Not for a guy like me. I try to stay active in prayer, reading the bible, and service work. I couldn't afford to get lazy on the street. I can't afford to get lazy in my faith or recovery. Thessalonians 5:16-17 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." God must come before everything else because without God working in my life and delivering me from my addiction, I have nothing!
   

 

   

Introducing My Best Friend and Worst Enemy: Me!

       I am the coolest, hippest, slickest, and biggest piece of crap in the world! That's right I'm a pretty good guy for a complete loser. Not to mention I'm the smartest moron you'll ever meet. The brightest crayon in the litter box if you will. Every once in a while I do something incredibly noble and selfless, and then I ruin the gesture with a massive drinking binge. I have many skills and abilities yet I have failed to use any of them because of my repeated inability to be honest with myself and stay sober. You get the point. I guess what I'm trying to say is I've got a real love-hate relationship with myself. It's a good thing that God's opinion of me isn't based on performance like mine is. Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." NIV I on the other hand, am often  influenced by situational and environmental conditions.

    When your in the middle of a drinking binge it rarely occurs to you that one day you will, for one reason or another, have to sober up and face and even worse feel every single poor choice you made. Ah the man, or lack there of, that I was when I was drunk. I can say with reasonable confidence that there is a stark contrast between who I am right now, and who I was when I was drunk. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't drunk. And for some of those who were more closely effected by my drinking, me being sober is hardly a redeemable act. For the most part when standing in front of a mirror sober, I can look myself in the eyes, but sometimes when reflecting on my past mistakes, I'd much rather not.

   That's where Jesus comes in. Through Jesus I have been reconciled to God. He has forgiven me. Not the girlfriend or boyfriend forgiveness where it's like "I'm going to let this go but if you mess up again you'll be promptly reminded of this, and held accountable for everything!" Or the Mom and Dad forgiveness where it's like "I forgive you but your still grounded!" This is a different incomprehensible kind of forgiveness. This is a water under a bridge that can't be burned kind of forgiveness. Jesus being the bridge between us and God. This is a forgiveness that knows no boundaries. Look at the Apostle Paul for example. If God can forgive Paul and use him for His purposes, He can redeem anyone.

      This is why admittedly I read The New Testament more often then The Old Testament. I'm all about this grace and mercy thing that is so generously offered to me through Jesus. And I am desperately and definitely in need of it. 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." NIV I can't imagine how I must sound sometimes when I'm repenting. I've been like "Lord I thank you for helping me with my anger, I kinda got mad and chased the dog through the garage, and that literally just happened five minutes ago, and I'm real sorry about that, but I do feel I've made progress. I was going to throw the empty pop can at him too, but I refrained." Don't get me wrong I'm not always so casual in my approach to God and repentance is a serious affair, but I do feel it's important to have an open and honest relationship with God. Don't be afraid to talk to Him. That's what He wants, a relationship with you!

    Since we are forgiven by God it is our responsibility to practice forgiveness in our own lives. Luke 6:36 "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." NIV  So if God forgives me then I should definitely be able to forgive myself. Remember from the last paragraph? Purified from all unrighteousness. God has deemed me spotless in His eyes thanks to Jesus. When I remember who I am in God's eyes it's a lot easier to balance out these back and forth feelings I deal with in regards to myself.

      What I feel is most important is that I am drawing my self esteem through who I am in God and not who I am in this world. TV and movies alone will teach me that there's always someone with funnier jokes, or more muscles, or a faster car, or a whiter smile. In the material world I will always fall short somewhere or to some standard. But in God's eyes I am exactly the way He made me, and when I am actively seeking His will for my life, that is where my sense of worth should come from.

    So to some people it isn't going to matter how long I'm sober, or how different I am. I'm always going to be that guy that did this and said that, or didn't do this and didn't say that. And some days it will be hard for me not to feel like that guy. All I can do is the next right thing today. Accept who I was but remember who I am now. Remember that in Jesus Christ I've been given a new life. I don't know precisely what God's will for me is, but I know He wouldn't have me sitting around and dwelling on the past. He didn't bring me out of the gutter for that! Embrace your new identities! They're a gift from God that believe me we don't all get! Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."

    I can't say for sure what the actual topic of this is because I may have dabbled in a few different areas. Obviously were in the genre of forgiveness and I touched on several different aspects of that. I just know I was inspired by something I have been struggling with. Most people wouldn't think so when meeting me for the first time because of my outgoing personality and sense of humor, one might even accuse me of being borderline arrogant (mom), but don't be fooled. We alcoholics have many skills and abilities remember? In reality I have a lot of self esteem issues largely because, but not limited to my alcoholism. I wanted to share some of my ideas on how to deal with it. If you struggle with it too please know your not alone. Some days are very hard for me. I find my hope and comfort in God! Thank you for reading!



   

 
 

 

The I Deserve A Drink Foundation

     I was only going to have one. I still can't believe I actually believed that! Did I not know me? Had I not been right there with me the whole time through a decade and a half of recklessly failed attempts of controlled drinking? How was it that I was able to convince myself of something so incredibly far from the truth? But I did believe it I assure you of that, and for just long enough to lose it all. I'd like to be able to say that I was able to manage for awhile, but no. Not at all. Not even close. I sank to the bottom like a rock and remained there for the duration of my drinking.

      It started with a feeling of invincibility. I had the job I always wanted, I lived where I always wanted to live, I was in decent shape, and I thought I was still leaving room for service work and God. Perfect. So I thought, but I had lost sight of my real priorities, God's grace in my life, and where I had come from. Now the guys at work were always inviting me out and I told them I didn't drink. What I did not say is that I didn't drink because I am an alcoholic. Quite possibly the first of many mistakes to follow.

      So here's how it went down. Me and another sales consultant showed up at this club in Ybor City. I forget the name of the club and it's not important. What does matter is at that point I had fully convinced myself that I was going to order one drink and go home. I had earned it. I was normal now. I wanted to enjoy my success. I walked up to the bartender and ordered a bud light because social drinkers drink light beer and that's what I was now. I still remember the chilled bottle, and the satisfaction of raising it to my lips. Then I took a healthy socially acceptable swallow of beer and before it even had the chance to travel all the way down my throat and into my stomach some kind of crazy metamorphosis happened in my brain and in a split second everything was different. I shook my head, held up the bottle as if examining it and said, "Oh I'm having a whole lot more than one of you tonight!" Fast forward through the homelessness, unemployment, detoxes, rehabs, incarceration, psyche wards, and hospitals! Again all of the above but in no particular order.

  Now let's talk about what I learned. I briefly took you through the real experience of one of the many mind sets we alcoholics can have when we relapse. How did I get there? I lied to myself yes, but did I really believe it? Or did I just really want to drink so I rationalized my way into thinking it was alright? I recently watched a documentary called (Dis) Honesty: the Truth About Lies where Professor Dan Ariely conducted an experiment with people hooked up to a lie detector test. A lie detector test detects certain changes that occur when someone is emotionally disrupted or uncomfortable like most people are when telling a lie. When the people in the experiment are lying for themselves it indicated more deception. When they were asked to lie for a charity the test indicated less deception which means that most people are alright with lying if it's for a good cause and doesn't bother their conscious.

This is what i did without knowing it. I metaphorically lied for a charity and came up with a way to drink without bothering my conscious. I mean come on now guys I was only donating to the "I Deserve A Drink Foundation," I wasn't trying to ruin everything! If I had reminded myself that I have repeatedly suffered great loss and heartache because of my inability to control my drinking then all of a sudden going out to party at the club doesn't make any sense does it?  "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2 NIV When I am honest and humble about who I am as an alcoholic then there is no excuse in the world that constitutes drinking.

    Not only do I need to be honest with myself, I need to be honest in general. I need to watch even telling "charity" lies because they can easily snowball and these are the ones I slip on. If I'm having difficulty I need to let people know. If I'm feeling overly confident I need to allow myself to be brought back down to size. In Romans 12:3 it says "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought" NIV To me this means to have an accurate perception of your strengths and weaknesses.

      Above all I need to continue to let God work in me and help me to become a more honest person. God is the only one that has the power to change me. I can't do it on my own. Philippians 2:13 "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." If you need help becoming honest pray about it with a contrite heart and God will guide you. It is a continual journey and you are not alone. I share these things hoping that someone who is as lost and broken as I was will find the same hope and restoration in God that I have found.

Believe It Or Not, Still A Believer

I could hardly walk due to the blisters on my feet, I could hardly see on account of both of my eyes being nearly swollen shut, and I sure couldn't gather any money or sympathy from pedestrians by panhandling because my physical appearance had become so appalling. In other words, I was clearly on drugs. I was able to purchase alcohol, however, (which I had become physically dependent on at that point) because a nice women walked out of a church and handed me four dollars covered in oil. She said she found it in the parking lot and didn't want it. My thoughts were that it all spends the same but tell that to the clerk when I paid for the beer.

   Homeless in Tampa I was hiding in an alley from some very imagined and some very real threats to my well being. My mentality at the time was that if I can't stay sober then I will no longer try because I can't handle it mentally. The repeated building up and tearing down of my own life was too much. Not to mention watching the people I love watch me do it. So there I sat. Alone, shaking, scared, completely broken, and five states away from any immediate family. Atleast they didn't have to see it this time. Believe it or not, I was still a believer. A very sick believer in need of alot of help. I had resigned myself to an alcoholic fate. I only hoped that they didn't have a field sobriety test at the gates of heaven.

  God had other plans for me though. I had completely given up on myself and on life and God took the empty shell of a human that I had become and He said "I'm not done with you yet!" Through God's grace I have gotten sober again and I've been blessed with things that are worth building towards and worth fighting for. I maintain a healthy awareness of how easily I can be tricked and how quickly I can fall. It's very easy for me to have a bad moment and revert back to old mentalities and ways of thinking. Anything can trigger it. Commercials, music, women, arguments, good days, bad days and so on. So I need to stay guarded and in the Spirit. Philippians 4:7-8 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." NIV This verse reminds me to stay focused on God and not get distracted by the ups and downs of daily happenings.

  I stated earlier that in the past I have felt that as a chronic alcoholic it wasn't worth the vigorous effort that's included with the process of getting and staying sober because what takes months and years of hard work and sacrifice can so quickly be destroyed with one bad relapse. That is a very real thinking flaw for me. Martina McBride said in her song Anyway "You can spend your whole life buildin' somethin' from nothin', one storm can come and blow it all away, build it anyway." That's exactly what I have decided to do. The alternative certainly didn't work so I have put my faith in Jesus and started the process of rebuilding, anyway. 2 Timothy 1;7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline." NIV

    Then finally there is the why factor. Why did God make me an alcoholic? Why did I relapse so much? Why did God choose to save me yet again after I had completely given up? These aren't even the right questions. It's not why did this happen, it's what am I going to do with it? Maybe it isn't for me to know why. I believe in God, and I believe God loves me right? So why am I not trusting in His process? Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I don't know how God is going to use my alcoholism, but in order for Him to use it I have to completely give it over to Him first, and that takes an act of trust. By Giving this to God I am trusting that He will do something with it that I cannot do.

  My hope is that someone who can relate to the feelings and experience I have shared will read this and know that they are not alone in their struggle. That someone else has thought, done, and felt the same things that they have and are getting through it with the help of God. I am new to this but I have a desire to reach out. My simplest advice for anyone is to stay humble and stay grateful!

 Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

A Christian Alcoholic

     My name is Pete and I am very much a believer in Jesus and I am also very much an alcoholic. As an alcoholic believer I have struggled with all the tough questions. First know this about me; I am no average, mild, or temperate problem drinker who decided to quit just before the bottom fell out and managed to walk away with only minor cuts and bruises. Don't get me wrong now, I have heard of such men, and had I not known better by now I would demand to know their secret! I myself happen to be a low bottom, high gravity, 100 proof, lost it all twice and then did it again alcoholic.

   I have been a believer for almost 10 years, and for most of those I have been caught up in a vicious cycle of homelessness, detoxes, psyche wards, incarceration, and rehabs. Sometimes but not always in that order. It would have been possible during my active addiction to walk by me sitting at a bus stop and see that I was unkempt, intoxicated, malnourished, dehydrated, lost, and acutely homeless. But you also might note the Cross necklace dangling from my neck and the bracelet that says Jesus and wonder how someone so apparently and deeply afflicted by addiction could claim to currently have a relationship with God? And if so then how come this so called relationship has not manifested itself into some kind of restoration or semblance of hope? How come God hasn't helped me get sober? Why did He make me an alcoholic of this magnitude in the first place? Is God even there? Does God even care? Many nights I sat somewhere drinking myself into another stupor asking myself these same questions.

    That's why I'm here to tell you that I have been brought back from a helpless state of body and mind. I have come to believe that not only is God there, but that God does care tremendously. He knows all your pains and heartaches and all your joys and victories. God knows you better than you know yourself! Please don't get me wrong. I am no spiritual guru. I know very little. I do have some insight through what God has revealed to me but it is not answers that I intend to share with you. It is experience, because it is experience that I have an abundance of. Through this blog I plan to go more in depth about how my faith has been tested, broken, and restored through the many failures and victories I have experienced as a Christian alcoholic. It is beautifully brutal, it is tragic, it is paradoxical, it is wonderful, it is inspiring, and because it brought me closer to God I wouldn't have it any other way!