The I Deserve A Drink Foundation

     I was only going to have one. I still can't believe I actually believed that! Did I not know me? Had I not been right there with me the whole time through a decade and a half of recklessly failed attempts of controlled drinking? How was it that I was able to convince myself of something so incredibly far from the truth? But I did believe it I assure you of that, and for just long enough to lose it all. I'd like to be able to say that I was able to manage for awhile, but no. Not at all. Not even close. I sank to the bottom like a rock and remained there for the duration of my drinking.

      It started with a feeling of invincibility. I had the job I always wanted, I lived where I always wanted to live, I was in decent shape, and I thought I was still leaving room for service work and God. Perfect. So I thought, but I had lost sight of my real priorities, God's grace in my life, and where I had come from. Now the guys at work were always inviting me out and I told them I didn't drink. What I did not say is that I didn't drink because I am an alcoholic. Quite possibly the first of many mistakes to follow.

      So here's how it went down. Me and another sales consultant showed up at this club in Ybor City. I forget the name of the club and it's not important. What does matter is at that point I had fully convinced myself that I was going to order one drink and go home. I had earned it. I was normal now. I wanted to enjoy my success. I walked up to the bartender and ordered a bud light because social drinkers drink light beer and that's what I was now. I still remember the chilled bottle, and the satisfaction of raising it to my lips. Then I took a healthy socially acceptable swallow of beer and before it even had the chance to travel all the way down my throat and into my stomach some kind of crazy metamorphosis happened in my brain and in a split second everything was different. I shook my head, held up the bottle as if examining it and said, "Oh I'm having a whole lot more than one of you tonight!" Fast forward through the homelessness, unemployment, detoxes, rehabs, incarceration, psyche wards, and hospitals! Again all of the above but in no particular order.

  Now let's talk about what I learned. I briefly took you through the real experience of one of the many mind sets we alcoholics can have when we relapse. How did I get there? I lied to myself yes, but did I really believe it? Or did I just really want to drink so I rationalized my way into thinking it was alright? I recently watched a documentary called (Dis) Honesty: the Truth About Lies where Professor Dan Ariely conducted an experiment with people hooked up to a lie detector test. A lie detector test detects certain changes that occur when someone is emotionally disrupted or uncomfortable like most people are when telling a lie. When the people in the experiment are lying for themselves it indicated more deception. When they were asked to lie for a charity the test indicated less deception which means that most people are alright with lying if it's for a good cause and doesn't bother their conscious.

This is what i did without knowing it. I metaphorically lied for a charity and came up with a way to drink without bothering my conscious. I mean come on now guys I was only donating to the "I Deserve A Drink Foundation," I wasn't trying to ruin everything! If I had reminded myself that I have repeatedly suffered great loss and heartache because of my inability to control my drinking then all of a sudden going out to party at the club doesn't make any sense does it?  "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2 NIV When I am honest and humble about who I am as an alcoholic then there is no excuse in the world that constitutes drinking.

    Not only do I need to be honest with myself, I need to be honest in general. I need to watch even telling "charity" lies because they can easily snowball and these are the ones I slip on. If I'm having difficulty I need to let people know. If I'm feeling overly confident I need to allow myself to be brought back down to size. In Romans 12:3 it says "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought" NIV To me this means to have an accurate perception of your strengths and weaknesses.

      Above all I need to continue to let God work in me and help me to become a more honest person. God is the only one that has the power to change me. I can't do it on my own. Philippians 2:13 "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." If you need help becoming honest pray about it with a contrite heart and God will guide you. It is a continual journey and you are not alone. I share these things hoping that someone who is as lost and broken as I was will find the same hope and restoration in God that I have found.

Believe It Or Not, Still A Believer

I could hardly walk due to the blisters on my feet, I could hardly see on account of both of my eyes being nearly swollen shut, and I sure couldn't gather any money or sympathy from pedestrians by panhandling because my physical appearance had become so appalling. In other words, I was clearly on drugs. I was able to purchase alcohol, however, (which I had become physically dependent on at that point) because a nice women walked out of a church and handed me four dollars covered in oil. She said she found it in the parking lot and didn't want it. My thoughts were that it all spends the same but tell that to the clerk when I paid for the beer.

   Homeless in Tampa I was hiding in an alley from some very imagined and some very real threats to my well being. My mentality at the time was that if I can't stay sober then I will no longer try because I can't handle it mentally. The repeated building up and tearing down of my own life was too much. Not to mention watching the people I love watch me do it. So there I sat. Alone, shaking, scared, completely broken, and five states away from any immediate family. Atleast they didn't have to see it this time. Believe it or not, I was still a believer. A very sick believer in need of alot of help. I had resigned myself to an alcoholic fate. I only hoped that they didn't have a field sobriety test at the gates of heaven.

  God had other plans for me though. I had completely given up on myself and on life and God took the empty shell of a human that I had become and He said "I'm not done with you yet!" Through God's grace I have gotten sober again and I've been blessed with things that are worth building towards and worth fighting for. I maintain a healthy awareness of how easily I can be tricked and how quickly I can fall. It's very easy for me to have a bad moment and revert back to old mentalities and ways of thinking. Anything can trigger it. Commercials, music, women, arguments, good days, bad days and so on. So I need to stay guarded and in the Spirit. Philippians 4:7-8 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." NIV This verse reminds me to stay focused on God and not get distracted by the ups and downs of daily happenings.

  I stated earlier that in the past I have felt that as a chronic alcoholic it wasn't worth the vigorous effort that's included with the process of getting and staying sober because what takes months and years of hard work and sacrifice can so quickly be destroyed with one bad relapse. That is a very real thinking flaw for me. Martina McBride said in her song Anyway "You can spend your whole life buildin' somethin' from nothin', one storm can come and blow it all away, build it anyway." That's exactly what I have decided to do. The alternative certainly didn't work so I have put my faith in Jesus and started the process of rebuilding, anyway. 2 Timothy 1;7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline." NIV

    Then finally there is the why factor. Why did God make me an alcoholic? Why did I relapse so much? Why did God choose to save me yet again after I had completely given up? These aren't even the right questions. It's not why did this happen, it's what am I going to do with it? Maybe it isn't for me to know why. I believe in God, and I believe God loves me right? So why am I not trusting in His process? Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I don't know how God is going to use my alcoholism, but in order for Him to use it I have to completely give it over to Him first, and that takes an act of trust. By Giving this to God I am trusting that He will do something with it that I cannot do.

  My hope is that someone who can relate to the feelings and experience I have shared will read this and know that they are not alone in their struggle. That someone else has thought, done, and felt the same things that they have and are getting through it with the help of God. I am new to this but I have a desire to reach out. My simplest advice for anyone is to stay humble and stay grateful!

 Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

A Christian Alcoholic

     My name is Pete and I am very much a believer in Jesus and I am also very much an alcoholic. As an alcoholic believer I have struggled with all the tough questions. First know this about me; I am no average, mild, or temperate problem drinker who decided to quit just before the bottom fell out and managed to walk away with only minor cuts and bruises. Don't get me wrong now, I have heard of such men, and had I not known better by now I would demand to know their secret! I myself happen to be a low bottom, high gravity, 100 proof, lost it all twice and then did it again alcoholic.

   I have been a believer for almost 10 years, and for most of those I have been caught up in a vicious cycle of homelessness, detoxes, psyche wards, incarceration, and rehabs. Sometimes but not always in that order. It would have been possible during my active addiction to walk by me sitting at a bus stop and see that I was unkempt, intoxicated, malnourished, dehydrated, lost, and acutely homeless. But you also might note the Cross necklace dangling from my neck and the bracelet that says Jesus and wonder how someone so apparently and deeply afflicted by addiction could claim to currently have a relationship with God? And if so then how come this so called relationship has not manifested itself into some kind of restoration or semblance of hope? How come God hasn't helped me get sober? Why did He make me an alcoholic of this magnitude in the first place? Is God even there? Does God even care? Many nights I sat somewhere drinking myself into another stupor asking myself these same questions.

    That's why I'm here to tell you that I have been brought back from a helpless state of body and mind. I have come to believe that not only is God there, but that God does care tremendously. He knows all your pains and heartaches and all your joys and victories. God knows you better than you know yourself! Please don't get me wrong. I am no spiritual guru. I know very little. I do have some insight through what God has revealed to me but it is not answers that I intend to share with you. It is experience, because it is experience that I have an abundance of. Through this blog I plan to go more in depth about how my faith has been tested, broken, and restored through the many failures and victories I have experienced as a Christian alcoholic. It is beautifully brutal, it is tragic, it is paradoxical, it is wonderful, it is inspiring, and because it brought me closer to God I wouldn't have it any other way!