Good News and Bad News

    A recovering alcoholic says to a newly sober alcoholic, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're going to get your feelings back. The bad news is you're going to get your feelings back!"

   This concept has never been as prevalent in my sobriety as it was over the Christmas holiday. The combination of excitement, activity, family, food, dogs (so many dogs), hellos and goodbyes, and laughs and cries had me, at times, quite overwhelmed. Why? Because I felt all of it! I was not used to being so keenly aware of such an array of sensory stimuli. There were moments when I was blessed with a serene joy for no reason at all, and other moments when I was plagued by a sharp irritability, again without provocation.  

 I held it together for the most part. However, I did suffer one casualty. My phone, as sad as it is to say, did not survive the Christmas holiday. Lets pay a quick tribute:

 RIP: Pete's Phone, aka: slow piece of crap. Now lets take a moment of silence, oh lets say about 20 minutes (the time it took that phone to do something).

 I have debated on sharing this privy information because I'm rather embarrassed about it, but yes in a moment when I was experiencing this extreme annoyance I mentioned, my phone failed to perform an essential function at a satisfactory speed (uploading facebook), so I punched it in the face, and the face broke! I know, I know, I was just as surprised as you. I'm going to assume there are two kinds of people reading this. Those of you that are thinking "what an idiot!" and those of you that are thinking, "I've done that!" This is for those of you that have done it too. No, you are not alone. Yes, we need help.

  So where does that leave me? Besides uncommunicative. Well I've wrestled with the idea that it's no big deal. Anyone can get mad. The phone just happened to get caught in the trajectory of that anger. But I've also beaten myself up about it and labeled it a sign of something worse. Surely with this kind of behavior a relapse is imminent! No self control! I might as well be a dry drunk! You know, that kinda healthy affirming self-talk.

   Someone suggested I look into an anger management class. That absolutely infuriated me.

      Okay feelings, you have my attention. You have returned and are in full effect! The only thing to do is enjoy and embrace the pleasant ones, and manage the not so pleasant ones. I need to take some preventative measures so that there is not a repeat performance. If I start feeling irritated call on someone in my support group, and remove myself from the reach of technology.

    This holiday really woke me up. It was so amazing to see my family and be a part of the activities, even if I failed to anticipate the avalanche of emotions it brought on, because it also showed me that I still have alot of things to consider. The important part is that I didn't drink. If you're an alcoholic in recovery and you mess up, aint nothin' that bad yet if you haven't picked up a drink! Then it's all bets off, but even then there's help available.

 James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. NIV

     

 

The Fifth That Didn't Steal Christmas This Year!

I have to write this post quickly in order to be as available as possible but I am also feeling incredibly inspired! I am just immensely grateful to be a fully active participant in the Christmas festivities this year! I could write a gratitude list a mile long but instead I'll just touch on the big ones. First I'm grateful that this Christmas I am not drunk, or in need of a drink. Second I am not currently involved in the department of corrections so I will not be eating any food issued by the state for Christmas this year! Third but most importantly I am home, not home-less, just home! I am with family and couldn't be happier! I owe all of this to God! If you are in recovery I hope you have an awesome sober holiday! If you are struggling talk to someone else in recovery. Holidays can also be very hard. If you are reading this through my FB link and need to talk message me. Trust me, I struggle too.

I'm Incredibly Humble

    I once was in a treatment center that issued me a special ribbon for most improved humility.  I went around bragging about it and they took it away.    

    I recently went with my grandma to select a Christmas tree. When I learned that finding the tallest, widest, most impressive tree on the lot was not the objective for this particular occasion I quickly lost interest. Who wanted just a tree? Certainly if I was to have my name attached to the selection of this tree, it had to have some spectacular feature to set it apart from the rest. So you can imagine my dismay when we left with what appeared to me to be just a normal tree. I had totally forgotten that I was only there to assist my grandma in the transportation of the tree she selected and I made it about myself. My sincere apologies. I do that. But why do I do that? With a lot of things. You should've seen my face when I realized I was never going to be the biggest guy at the gym! Or how about my reaction when I'm playing a competitive sport and someone tells me were not keeping score! So I've recently set in motion certain attitude adjustments. Instead of looking for ways to point to myself in every occasion I look for ways to point to God. I find myself much more fulfilled and experiencing more joy. I need to remember where I came from and realize that being just okay, for a guy like me, is a huge accomplishment! God is the one who is amazing and deserving of attention. Not me. I'm just a drunk who because of God has managed to somehow not have a drink in a few 24 hours.

James 4:6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." NIV

Matthew 23:12 For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. NIV

Also see Philippians 2:3-11

New Creation

      I had a cardboard sleep number and a big fluffy book bag for a pillow. My rendition of a sleeping bag was tucking my arms into my t-shirt. When the sun came up so did I. I'd slam a beer or two real fast if I had it in my pillow, fold up my strip of cardboard and tuck it away back in the bushes to make it appear as if no one had been there. Then I would get my bearings, just kidding there was no getting of any bearings on the street. What I would do though is stumble valiantly to either the convenient store or another variable to take advantage of the running water and panhandle for just long enough to get some beer and nicotine to start my day. I was always on guard, always aware of my surroundings, and always ready to go. That is unless I was real drunk which was a frequent occurrence, and that made me a target. I knew it, and they knew it. They being the other homeless people that robbed me while I was passed out. This was why I preferred having my own discreet location to hide and flop down drunk at if I could swing such a luxury. The accidental alcohol induced comas that left me face down in the middle of the park also left me with empty pockets, every time without fail.

      I was in a constant state of adaptation to my surroundings. My attitudes, my posture, my talk, everything about me was forever changing in accordance with who I needed to be at that moment to support my addiction. That was it, the bottom line. Whatever my addiction required me to do, I did it. No questions asked. It was automatic because there was just no way that I wasn't going to drink or get high. It wasn't an option. Sounds like I was pretty obedient to my addiction right? So now that I've been saved, redeemed, and rescued from the elements what does my obedience to God look like? What does my love for others look like? Where's my level of gratitude at? One of the reasons I write these blogs is I'm reminding myself of what I went through, and these are the censored versions. You should catch me by the water cooler some time.

       So I need to stay just as vigilant in my relationship with God. Attack my recovery with the same zeal. Failure is not an option! I need to feel the urgency to answer God's calling in my life. Just because I got sober doesn't mean the fight is over. I'm just on a different battlefield now. At least on the street I knew who the enemies were (everyone), and when danger was imminent (all the time). Now that I'm not physically addicted to or mentally obsessed with alcohol I have a whole new line up of bad guys. They come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes I may not even realize I'm being attacked. It's called everyday life. I'm not good at it because I don't have much practice. I need God.

     Be ready all the time to stand up for your new life! 2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" NIV I am a new creation and I need to build my life around God. No other foundation will work. Trust me I've tried to build off of just about everything else and it doesn't work. Not for a guy like me. I try to stay active in prayer, reading the bible, and service work. I couldn't afford to get lazy on the street. I can't afford to get lazy in my faith or recovery. Thessalonians 5:16-17 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." God must come before everything else because without God working in my life and delivering me from my addiction, I have nothing!
   

 

   

Introducing My Best Friend and Worst Enemy: Me!

       I am the coolest, hippest, slickest, and biggest piece of crap in the world! That's right I'm a pretty good guy for a complete loser. Not to mention I'm the smartest moron you'll ever meet. The brightest crayon in the litter box if you will. Every once in a while I do something incredibly noble and selfless, and then I ruin the gesture with a massive drinking binge. I have many skills and abilities yet I have failed to use any of them because of my repeated inability to be honest with myself and stay sober. You get the point. I guess what I'm trying to say is I've got a real love-hate relationship with myself. It's a good thing that God's opinion of me isn't based on performance like mine is. Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." NIV I on the other hand, am often  influenced by situational and environmental conditions.

    When your in the middle of a drinking binge it rarely occurs to you that one day you will, for one reason or another, have to sober up and face and even worse feel every single poor choice you made. Ah the man, or lack there of, that I was when I was drunk. I can say with reasonable confidence that there is a stark contrast between who I am right now, and who I was when I was drunk. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't drunk. And for some of those who were more closely effected by my drinking, me being sober is hardly a redeemable act. For the most part when standing in front of a mirror sober, I can look myself in the eyes, but sometimes when reflecting on my past mistakes, I'd much rather not.

   That's where Jesus comes in. Through Jesus I have been reconciled to God. He has forgiven me. Not the girlfriend or boyfriend forgiveness where it's like "I'm going to let this go but if you mess up again you'll be promptly reminded of this, and held accountable for everything!" Or the Mom and Dad forgiveness where it's like "I forgive you but your still grounded!" This is a different incomprehensible kind of forgiveness. This is a water under a bridge that can't be burned kind of forgiveness. Jesus being the bridge between us and God. This is a forgiveness that knows no boundaries. Look at the Apostle Paul for example. If God can forgive Paul and use him for His purposes, He can redeem anyone.

      This is why admittedly I read The New Testament more often then The Old Testament. I'm all about this grace and mercy thing that is so generously offered to me through Jesus. And I am desperately and definitely in need of it. 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." NIV I can't imagine how I must sound sometimes when I'm repenting. I've been like "Lord I thank you for helping me with my anger, I kinda got mad and chased the dog through the garage, and that literally just happened five minutes ago, and I'm real sorry about that, but I do feel I've made progress. I was going to throw the empty pop can at him too, but I refrained." Don't get me wrong I'm not always so casual in my approach to God and repentance is a serious affair, but I do feel it's important to have an open and honest relationship with God. Don't be afraid to talk to Him. That's what He wants, a relationship with you!

    Since we are forgiven by God it is our responsibility to practice forgiveness in our own lives. Luke 6:36 "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." NIV  So if God forgives me then I should definitely be able to forgive myself. Remember from the last paragraph? Purified from all unrighteousness. God has deemed me spotless in His eyes thanks to Jesus. When I remember who I am in God's eyes it's a lot easier to balance out these back and forth feelings I deal with in regards to myself.

      What I feel is most important is that I am drawing my self esteem through who I am in God and not who I am in this world. TV and movies alone will teach me that there's always someone with funnier jokes, or more muscles, or a faster car, or a whiter smile. In the material world I will always fall short somewhere or to some standard. But in God's eyes I am exactly the way He made me, and when I am actively seeking His will for my life, that is where my sense of worth should come from.

    So to some people it isn't going to matter how long I'm sober, or how different I am. I'm always going to be that guy that did this and said that, or didn't do this and didn't say that. And some days it will be hard for me not to feel like that guy. All I can do is the next right thing today. Accept who I was but remember who I am now. Remember that in Jesus Christ I've been given a new life. I don't know precisely what God's will for me is, but I know He wouldn't have me sitting around and dwelling on the past. He didn't bring me out of the gutter for that! Embrace your new identities! They're a gift from God that believe me we don't all get! Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."

    I can't say for sure what the actual topic of this is because I may have dabbled in a few different areas. Obviously were in the genre of forgiveness and I touched on several different aspects of that. I just know I was inspired by something I have been struggling with. Most people wouldn't think so when meeting me for the first time because of my outgoing personality and sense of humor, one might even accuse me of being borderline arrogant (mom), but don't be fooled. We alcoholics have many skills and abilities remember? In reality I have a lot of self esteem issues largely because, but not limited to my alcoholism. I wanted to share some of my ideas on how to deal with it. If you struggle with it too please know your not alone. Some days are very hard for me. I find my hope and comfort in God! Thank you for reading!