A recovering alcoholic says to a newly sober alcoholic, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're going to get your feelings back. The bad news is you're going to get your feelings back!"
This concept has never been as prevalent in my sobriety as it was over the Christmas holiday. The combination of excitement, activity, family, food, dogs (so many dogs), hellos and goodbyes, and laughs and cries had me, at times, quite overwhelmed. Why? Because I felt all of it! I was not used to being so keenly aware of such an array of sensory stimuli. There were moments when I was blessed with a serene joy for no reason at all, and other moments when I was plagued by a sharp irritability, again without provocation.
I held it together for the most part. However, I did suffer one casualty. My phone, as sad as it is to say, did not survive the Christmas holiday. Lets pay a quick tribute:
RIP: Pete's Phone, aka: slow piece of crap. Now lets take a moment of silence, oh lets say about 20 minutes (the time it took that phone to do something).
I have debated on sharing this privy information because I'm rather embarrassed about it, but yes in a moment when I was experiencing this extreme annoyance I mentioned, my phone failed to perform an essential function at a satisfactory speed (uploading facebook), so I punched it in the face, and the face broke! I know, I know, I was just as surprised as you. I'm going to assume there are two kinds of people reading this. Those of you that are thinking "what an idiot!" and those of you that are thinking, "I've done that!" This is for those of you that have done it too. No, you are not alone. Yes, we need help.
So where does that leave me? Besides uncommunicative. Well I've wrestled with the idea that it's no big deal. Anyone can get mad. The phone just happened to get caught in the trajectory of that anger. But I've also beaten myself up about it and labeled it a sign of something worse. Surely with this kind of behavior a relapse is imminent! No self control! I might as well be a dry drunk! You know, that kinda healthy affirming self-talk.
Someone suggested I look into an anger management class. That absolutely infuriated me.
Okay feelings, you have my attention. You have returned and are in full effect! The only thing to do is enjoy and embrace the pleasant ones, and manage the not so pleasant ones. I need to take some preventative measures so that there is not a repeat performance. If I start feeling irritated call on someone in my support group, and remove myself from the reach of technology.
This holiday really woke me up. It was so amazing to see my family and be a part of the activities, even if I failed to anticipate the avalanche of emotions it brought on, because it also showed me that I still have alot of things to consider. The important part is that I didn't drink. If you're an alcoholic in recovery and you mess up, aint nothin' that bad yet if you haven't picked up a drink! Then it's all bets off, but even then there's help available.
James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. NIV
First of all... congrats for being able to write this sober! The stress of holidays is more than enough for many. The "dry drunk" and "having feelings" again are many issues that people on the outside never seen in. Maybe now, they can peek in safely thanks to you sharing. Keep on keepin' on!!!
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