Believe It Or Not, Still A Believer

I could hardly walk due to the blisters on my feet, I could hardly see on account of both of my eyes being nearly swollen shut, and I sure couldn't gather any money or sympathy from pedestrians by panhandling because my physical appearance had become so appalling. In other words, I was clearly on drugs. I was able to purchase alcohol, however, (which I had become physically dependent on at that point) because a nice women walked out of a church and handed me four dollars covered in oil. She said she found it in the parking lot and didn't want it. My thoughts were that it all spends the same but tell that to the clerk when I paid for the beer.

   Homeless in Tampa I was hiding in an alley from some very imagined and some very real threats to my well being. My mentality at the time was that if I can't stay sober then I will no longer try because I can't handle it mentally. The repeated building up and tearing down of my own life was too much. Not to mention watching the people I love watch me do it. So there I sat. Alone, shaking, scared, completely broken, and five states away from any immediate family. Atleast they didn't have to see it this time. Believe it or not, I was still a believer. A very sick believer in need of alot of help. I had resigned myself to an alcoholic fate. I only hoped that they didn't have a field sobriety test at the gates of heaven.

  God had other plans for me though. I had completely given up on myself and on life and God took the empty shell of a human that I had become and He said "I'm not done with you yet!" Through God's grace I have gotten sober again and I've been blessed with things that are worth building towards and worth fighting for. I maintain a healthy awareness of how easily I can be tricked and how quickly I can fall. It's very easy for me to have a bad moment and revert back to old mentalities and ways of thinking. Anything can trigger it. Commercials, music, women, arguments, good days, bad days and so on. So I need to stay guarded and in the Spirit. Philippians 4:7-8 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." NIV This verse reminds me to stay focused on God and not get distracted by the ups and downs of daily happenings.

  I stated earlier that in the past I have felt that as a chronic alcoholic it wasn't worth the vigorous effort that's included with the process of getting and staying sober because what takes months and years of hard work and sacrifice can so quickly be destroyed with one bad relapse. That is a very real thinking flaw for me. Martina McBride said in her song Anyway "You can spend your whole life buildin' somethin' from nothin', one storm can come and blow it all away, build it anyway." That's exactly what I have decided to do. The alternative certainly didn't work so I have put my faith in Jesus and started the process of rebuilding, anyway. 2 Timothy 1;7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline." NIV

    Then finally there is the why factor. Why did God make me an alcoholic? Why did I relapse so much? Why did God choose to save me yet again after I had completely given up? These aren't even the right questions. It's not why did this happen, it's what am I going to do with it? Maybe it isn't for me to know why. I believe in God, and I believe God loves me right? So why am I not trusting in His process? Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I don't know how God is going to use my alcoholism, but in order for Him to use it I have to completely give it over to Him first, and that takes an act of trust. By Giving this to God I am trusting that He will do something with it that I cannot do.

  My hope is that someone who can relate to the feelings and experience I have shared will read this and know that they are not alone in their struggle. That someone else has thought, done, and felt the same things that they have and are getting through it with the help of God. I am new to this but I have a desire to reach out. My simplest advice for anyone is to stay humble and stay grateful!

 Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."