The I Deserve A Drink Foundation

     I was only going to have one. I still can't believe I actually believed that! Did I not know me? Had I not been right there with me the whole time through a decade and a half of recklessly failed attempts of controlled drinking? How was it that I was able to convince myself of something so incredibly far from the truth? But I did believe it I assure you of that, and for just long enough to lose it all. I'd like to be able to say that I was able to manage for awhile, but no. Not at all. Not even close. I sank to the bottom like a rock and remained there for the duration of my drinking.

      It started with a feeling of invincibility. I had the job I always wanted, I lived where I always wanted to live, I was in decent shape, and I thought I was still leaving room for service work and God. Perfect. So I thought, but I had lost sight of my real priorities, God's grace in my life, and where I had come from. Now the guys at work were always inviting me out and I told them I didn't drink. What I did not say is that I didn't drink because I am an alcoholic. Quite possibly the first of many mistakes to follow.

      So here's how it went down. Me and another sales consultant showed up at this club in Ybor City. I forget the name of the club and it's not important. What does matter is at that point I had fully convinced myself that I was going to order one drink and go home. I had earned it. I was normal now. I wanted to enjoy my success. I walked up to the bartender and ordered a bud light because social drinkers drink light beer and that's what I was now. I still remember the chilled bottle, and the satisfaction of raising it to my lips. Then I took a healthy socially acceptable swallow of beer and before it even had the chance to travel all the way down my throat and into my stomach some kind of crazy metamorphosis happened in my brain and in a split second everything was different. I shook my head, held up the bottle as if examining it and said, "Oh I'm having a whole lot more than one of you tonight!" Fast forward through the homelessness, unemployment, detoxes, rehabs, incarceration, psyche wards, and hospitals! Again all of the above but in no particular order.

  Now let's talk about what I learned. I briefly took you through the real experience of one of the many mind sets we alcoholics can have when we relapse. How did I get there? I lied to myself yes, but did I really believe it? Or did I just really want to drink so I rationalized my way into thinking it was alright? I recently watched a documentary called (Dis) Honesty: the Truth About Lies where Professor Dan Ariely conducted an experiment with people hooked up to a lie detector test. A lie detector test detects certain changes that occur when someone is emotionally disrupted or uncomfortable like most people are when telling a lie. When the people in the experiment are lying for themselves it indicated more deception. When they were asked to lie for a charity the test indicated less deception which means that most people are alright with lying if it's for a good cause and doesn't bother their conscious.

This is what i did without knowing it. I metaphorically lied for a charity and came up with a way to drink without bothering my conscious. I mean come on now guys I was only donating to the "I Deserve A Drink Foundation," I wasn't trying to ruin everything! If I had reminded myself that I have repeatedly suffered great loss and heartache because of my inability to control my drinking then all of a sudden going out to party at the club doesn't make any sense does it?  "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2 NIV When I am honest and humble about who I am as an alcoholic then there is no excuse in the world that constitutes drinking.

    Not only do I need to be honest with myself, I need to be honest in general. I need to watch even telling "charity" lies because they can easily snowball and these are the ones I slip on. If I'm having difficulty I need to let people know. If I'm feeling overly confident I need to allow myself to be brought back down to size. In Romans 12:3 it says "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought" NIV To me this means to have an accurate perception of your strengths and weaknesses.

      Above all I need to continue to let God work in me and help me to become a more honest person. God is the only one that has the power to change me. I can't do it on my own. Philippians 2:13 "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." If you need help becoming honest pray about it with a contrite heart and God will guide you. It is a continual journey and you are not alone. I share these things hoping that someone who is as lost and broken as I was will find the same hope and restoration in God that I have found.