Introducing My Best Friend and Worst Enemy: Me!

       I am the coolest, hippest, slickest, and biggest piece of crap in the world! That's right I'm a pretty good guy for a complete loser. Not to mention I'm the smartest moron you'll ever meet. The brightest crayon in the litter box if you will. Every once in a while I do something incredibly noble and selfless, and then I ruin the gesture with a massive drinking binge. I have many skills and abilities yet I have failed to use any of them because of my repeated inability to be honest with myself and stay sober. You get the point. I guess what I'm trying to say is I've got a real love-hate relationship with myself. It's a good thing that God's opinion of me isn't based on performance like mine is. Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." NIV I on the other hand, am often  influenced by situational and environmental conditions.

    When your in the middle of a drinking binge it rarely occurs to you that one day you will, for one reason or another, have to sober up and face and even worse feel every single poor choice you made. Ah the man, or lack there of, that I was when I was drunk. I can say with reasonable confidence that there is a stark contrast between who I am right now, and who I was when I was drunk. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't drunk. And for some of those who were more closely effected by my drinking, me being sober is hardly a redeemable act. For the most part when standing in front of a mirror sober, I can look myself in the eyes, but sometimes when reflecting on my past mistakes, I'd much rather not.

   That's where Jesus comes in. Through Jesus I have been reconciled to God. He has forgiven me. Not the girlfriend or boyfriend forgiveness where it's like "I'm going to let this go but if you mess up again you'll be promptly reminded of this, and held accountable for everything!" Or the Mom and Dad forgiveness where it's like "I forgive you but your still grounded!" This is a different incomprehensible kind of forgiveness. This is a water under a bridge that can't be burned kind of forgiveness. Jesus being the bridge between us and God. This is a forgiveness that knows no boundaries. Look at the Apostle Paul for example. If God can forgive Paul and use him for His purposes, He can redeem anyone.

      This is why admittedly I read The New Testament more often then The Old Testament. I'm all about this grace and mercy thing that is so generously offered to me through Jesus. And I am desperately and definitely in need of it. 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." NIV I can't imagine how I must sound sometimes when I'm repenting. I've been like "Lord I thank you for helping me with my anger, I kinda got mad and chased the dog through the garage, and that literally just happened five minutes ago, and I'm real sorry about that, but I do feel I've made progress. I was going to throw the empty pop can at him too, but I refrained." Don't get me wrong I'm not always so casual in my approach to God and repentance is a serious affair, but I do feel it's important to have an open and honest relationship with God. Don't be afraid to talk to Him. That's what He wants, a relationship with you!

    Since we are forgiven by God it is our responsibility to practice forgiveness in our own lives. Luke 6:36 "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." NIV  So if God forgives me then I should definitely be able to forgive myself. Remember from the last paragraph? Purified from all unrighteousness. God has deemed me spotless in His eyes thanks to Jesus. When I remember who I am in God's eyes it's a lot easier to balance out these back and forth feelings I deal with in regards to myself.

      What I feel is most important is that I am drawing my self esteem through who I am in God and not who I am in this world. TV and movies alone will teach me that there's always someone with funnier jokes, or more muscles, or a faster car, or a whiter smile. In the material world I will always fall short somewhere or to some standard. But in God's eyes I am exactly the way He made me, and when I am actively seeking His will for my life, that is where my sense of worth should come from.

    So to some people it isn't going to matter how long I'm sober, or how different I am. I'm always going to be that guy that did this and said that, or didn't do this and didn't say that. And some days it will be hard for me not to feel like that guy. All I can do is the next right thing today. Accept who I was but remember who I am now. Remember that in Jesus Christ I've been given a new life. I don't know precisely what God's will for me is, but I know He wouldn't have me sitting around and dwelling on the past. He didn't bring me out of the gutter for that! Embrace your new identities! They're a gift from God that believe me we don't all get! Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."

    I can't say for sure what the actual topic of this is because I may have dabbled in a few different areas. Obviously were in the genre of forgiveness and I touched on several different aspects of that. I just know I was inspired by something I have been struggling with. Most people wouldn't think so when meeting me for the first time because of my outgoing personality and sense of humor, one might even accuse me of being borderline arrogant (mom), but don't be fooled. We alcoholics have many skills and abilities remember? In reality I have a lot of self esteem issues largely because, but not limited to my alcoholism. I wanted to share some of my ideas on how to deal with it. If you struggle with it too please know your not alone. Some days are very hard for me. I find my hope and comfort in God! Thank you for reading!